I did it!

I got the courage and strength to divorce him! I am turning the papers in tomorrow and I feel so great! I have finally realized that I was holding onto comfort and was holding onto the hope that it would get better when I wasnt even in love with him. I had a huge fear that no one would love me but him, but it turns out I am desired by someone other than him and I just needed to get over my insecurities and just be myself. It is weird trying to find myself in all of this, but I am enjoying every moment of it. I am so happy for the first time in my life!

I have been seeing a guy that I enjoy every minute with. He has been helping me get through all of this and he himself just got out of a horrible 7 year long relationship. I can honestly say that he is my best friend and he makes me happy. Honestly happy. Something that I forgot how to feel.

Lost and confused

I came back from Denmark and now I dont know what to do. I am still in love with the man. I found that some of the things that I was told were not true. I really dont know what to do. I feel lost and confused most of the time and I need some help. We have started seeing a counciler and I really hope that it helps. He has a court date on the 31st of this month and I am going to sit on his side and my dad will be there. I will write more later I have to go

Moving on

I know that it has been a while but I feel I need to update this blog.

I am divorcing Brian. I couldn't live with what he has done. I just couldn't do it anymore. I need someone in my life that I can have children with and know that they are going to be safe.

Since I have been back in the states, it has been pretty interesting I guess you could say. We are both going our different ways and talking to new and different people. I find it to be not so full filling at the moment. I have been with Brian since I was 13 and now it feels like all those years have gone to be waisted. Now I feel like I have to make up for lost time. I hate the way that I feel inside. I know that I am no longer in love with him, I just don't know how to move on. I feel like I am in a horrible spot.

I am semi-seeing someone that I have no future with and it kills me. I know that we both like each other and all, but there are complications that keep us from being together. So along with dating him I am dating other people too and so is he. I don't like it. I don't like hearing about the women that he may or may not go out with because I am falling for him. I don't know if its because I feel that I need someone or if its because I really am falling for him. He gives me things that Brian never could and I love that about him. I am just mad at myself that I have let myself get this attached to someone because one of us is going to get hurt and I am pretty sure that that someone will be me. I am already hurting. I want him and I think that he feels the same about me but he isn't allowing himself to get too attached. I don't know what to do. I cant just dismiss these feelings and move on from him. I will continue to see other people but I don't know anyone that can give me what he can.

I hurt a lot most of the time. I have no money and I am currently living in my dads house. I feel like my life has been put on hold. I hate this feeling. I used to have a plan. I used to know what I was doing. Now I have no clue. I have no motivation to finish school or start a career. I just don't know what to do any more.

What to do what to do?

Ending it all

So I told Brian that I wanted a divorce. I cant be with a man that I cant trust for one, and could never EVER have kids with. I think that it is the best decision that I have ever made in my life.

I feel so free and at ease now. It was hard to break the news to him though. I am in a foreign country and had to do it over the phone. Needless to say he never came up to see me. I just didn't need him to come here and make anything worse than they already are.

So right after I told him I wanted a divorce, he tried to say really nice things and be all cute to try and get me back. I didn't take the bait and now he is trying hard to make me feel like shit. He is telling me that he hates me and that I was a bad wife. I know that he is just trying to retaliate, but it hurts just the same.

Maybe one day we could be friends, but right now it is not looking so good.

What to do

I don't know how to act or feel. I cant keep pretending that everything is ok. I cant do it anymore. I call him and we talk like nothing is different.

He has started invading my privacy now also. He has been demanding passwords for emails and personal items and he wants to know where I am every second of the day. I am loosing it. He joined facebook and added all my friends that I have made from my travel abroad experience. He is afraid that I am messing around behind his back. I have NEVER done anything behind his back and we are separated so there is not much that he could say about it anyway.

His family is involving themselves way too much in my business also and they are making him worried about our relationship. There is a picture on my facebook where I am leaning into a guy for a picture. His family is asking him all these questions like "you let her do that?" The guy in the picture is truly just my friend... Nothing there. And I'm not looking for anything right now.

Let me tell you that his family is SUPER Christian and they feel that women should not be friends with men unless there is a connection through the husband. I don't know if they know the true magnitude of what he has done. He says that he has told them everything but he is the master of deceit.

He did tell me that he started to watch porn the other night and felt bad and turned it off. I know that it has only been a month but I just want things to be better. I need them to be better.

I am having him up here within the next month so that I can talk to him face to face. I think that will be good for me. What do you think?

Am I IN love?

I have been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days. I don't know if I will be able to stay with Brian. I don't know if this is an initial reaction or if this will be forever but my love for him is fading. I still love him but I am not IN love with him.

I don't think that he is taking this separation seriously. He keeps telling me that it is JUST a break. I view this separation to be far more than a break.

The other day we got in a fight about everything. He told his whole family about the separation and now there is ever more judgement coming my way. His whole family has been commenting on my myspace about how they don't see a ring on my finger. They are also commenting about me being in pictures with guys. I don't understand how they are going to assume that these guys are my lovers now. I am in a foreign country making friends and when we go out in a group (a mix of both guys and girls) why it is not ok to take pictures with people of either sex without assumptions. I don't understand why it is any ones business either. I took my ring off because I am separated from my husband and for them to bring attention to that somewhere where it can be seen by all my friends and family is not ok by me.

Every single one of Brian's family feels that the separation is not needed and shouldn't have happened. My side of the family is happy that I made this decision. It seems that no matter what I do, someone will be unhappy(Not that I am aiming for their happiness in this situation).

I just hate that he is the one that has done something yet I get the judgement.

Figuring out Brian

I have been trying to figure out Brian's behavior patterns for years. Whenever he does something that he knows is wrong, he will do whatever it is in a way that he will get caught doing it.

For instance, last year I found out that he liked my best friend. Brian is the one who made himself known. We had all been hanging out and I had to stay at home to finish up some of my homework so he took Amanda home. While in the car he tried to hold her hand. She refused and came over to my house the next day to talk about the situation. She said that he had been texting her a lot lately and that she didn't think anything of it because they were good friends. Then she told me about the grabbing for her hand that Brian had attempted and that she thought that this was wrong. I mean of course it was wrong. As I thought about it, one of Brian's fantasies was to see me with another woman. After talking to him about the situation, he admitted that she was the woman he wanted me to be with. This instance was the first time that divorce was ever talked about.

The way that Brian went about this current instance doesn't surprise me. I think that he wanted to be caught. He would never, EVER ask for help. This is by no way or form an excuse for what he has done. I would never want anyone to think that I think what he has done is alright in my book. I think that he has committed a disgusting act and I hope that he has to pay for what he has done.

I don't know if I have mentioned this, but Brian also has a porn addiction. He has been dealing with this addiction since he was ten.Now there is a difference in being addicted to porn and just watching porn. Lets just say that he has ruined three computers because the viruses have made it to the hard drive.

There is also a history of sexual abuse as a child. Brian was raped by his brother for years and no one believed him including his mother. This has caused him a lot of hardship in the past. In fact the porn addiction started with the rapes. His brother later apologized for what he had done but Brian's mother refuses to believe that it was happening in her house. This also could have triggered the pedophilia tendencies that Brian is now experiencing.

I don't know. These are all just thoughts.

Step Mother

Things are getting harder and harder by the day. I feel that I could never stop loving him and I don't know if I want to stop. I am getting so much pressure from my family to leave him. My soon to be step mother Vicky stated in and email to me that if I stay with him that "it is a very clear indicator of your values and your state of mental and emotional health". How is someone that I don't know very well going to tell me what my values and emotional state are because I choose to stay with my husband.

This lady has brought nothing but hell to our family and is trying to continue this hell into my current marriage.

The story behind Vicky goes as follows.

My mother died two years ago from an "accidental overdose" of Oxycontin. Turns out she was addicted to the drug and had been for many years. She discovered that if she chewed the medicine that it gave a heroin like effect. It also turns out that our doctor had been over prescribing her medicine for years. So when my sisters found her on the floor after church one night, that's when it my life changed for the worst.

My dad became depressed and lonely, as any normal human being world after loosing their wife of 25 years. After only three months he began looking for someone. Our councilors told us that this was not healthy and he needed to take some more time for healing. He didn't like that idea so he found a new councilor. He went on all kinds of dating sites and started dating women half his age. He would tell me about girls that were 23 to 25. Now I am only 20 so they could be my sisters. Then he got involved with match.com and found Vicky. They "fell in love" and a few months later got engaged. Their engagement didn't last long though. Vicky is the kind of person that needs no one but herself.

Somehow they got over their differences and began to "fall in love" again. She is controlling and mean to my dad and his children. They are currently engaged again and living together as of recently. I don't like her. Its not that I don't want him to be happy. He has brought home some women that I absolutely loved and adored, but Vicky is no such thing.

So now this lady who I barely know is telling me that I NEED a divorce and NEED a councilor. I understand the importance of a councilor, don't get me wrong, but if I am going to be forced to see one, that will not go over well. I don't know what to do about this woman. She is not welcome in my life but I am being forced to live with the fact that my dad might spend the rest of his life with her.

Needless to say, I told Vicky to stop emailing me because she is stressing me out. I know everything that she is telling me but she insists on talking to me like I am ten. She also talks to me as if I am the one at fault. It must be my fault because I choose to marry a man who I KNEW would do this. Is this right?

Lost

Brian and I have now decided to become separated. I really don't know what this means yet. I don't know how to feel about this either. I know that it will be hard for both of us but the distance that we have literally between us should help some. I feel lost inside. I feel like there is no one out there who knows what I am going through. I cant talk to any of my friends about the separation or what he has done because of the judgement that both he and I would face. I don't want my loved ones to know. He is a good man who has made some very poor choices and now has to face to consequences.

I need him to know how much he has hurt me and everyone around him. I am scared to have children with him. I never thought that Brian could potently prey after our own children. Having children is something that is really important to me and I need to figure out if there is any possibility that he might get better and be able to have our children.

My whole family is pushing me to divorce him. I don't know what to do or who to turn to for help. He has been banished from the family, never to visit, never to talk, never to see them. Its really hard to think that there will never be a family portrait with him in it. There will never be Christmas at my dads. There will be no birthday celebrations with him there. How do I pull through this? How do I place enough attention on Brian who did this to himself and my family who has done nothing?

I don't know what to do....

Finding out

I found out that my husband liked children the day I got into a foreign country. I am currently going to be away from him for 3.5 months studying in another country. We both agreed that this would be good for my education. He gave me the call that day and said that he had something to tell me. He said that he had been sending sexual texts to thirteen year old girls. He told me that my dad had given him until that Friday to tell me and then he was going to tell me himself. He told me that he had asked Laura*, my soon to be step sister if she could keep a secret.

"Can you keep a secret" asked Brian*, my husband
"Yes" stated Laura
"I mean really keep a secret just between you and me" said Brian
"Yes" texts Laura
"How far would you go with me? Do you find me attractive?" asked Brian
"What do you mean?" texts Laura
"What didn't you understand?" said Brian

This apparently was not the first time this had occurred. Brian was going to watch the girls while my parents went out of state and he told the girls that they could "get drunk, watch porn, and play strip poker if they wanted to".

I also found out later that he had been discussing his sexual fantasies with Laura and even talked about a "woman's fluid orgasm" more than once. I also found out that every time I had left the room he had turned the conversation to sex.

I don't know how to feel about this or what to do.

*Names have been changed

Introductions

My name is Susie Q and I will be blogging about the troubles that my marriage has faced. My husband and I have been married for two years but we had been Jr. High sweet hearts. Nothing could separate us. We were always in love there were just some complications.

I just found out that my husband has been looking at children. Not only is this the first step to perversion, but the children that he had been trying to pursue were my 13 years old sister and my 13 year old soon to be step sister. I am devastated and shocked that this could be happening. I don't know what to do. I have only know about this for about two weeks. To make things worse I am out of the country so I had to hear all of this over the phone from my husband, my father, and my soon to be step mother.

I will be posting more information on the next post.