Moving on

I know that it has been a while but I feel I need to update this blog.

I am divorcing Brian. I couldn't live with what he has done. I just couldn't do it anymore. I need someone in my life that I can have children with and know that they are going to be safe.

Since I have been back in the states, it has been pretty interesting I guess you could say. We are both going our different ways and talking to new and different people. I find it to be not so full filling at the moment. I have been with Brian since I was 13 and now it feels like all those years have gone to be waisted. Now I feel like I have to make up for lost time. I hate the way that I feel inside. I know that I am no longer in love with him, I just don't know how to move on. I feel like I am in a horrible spot.

I am semi-seeing someone that I have no future with and it kills me. I know that we both like each other and all, but there are complications that keep us from being together. So along with dating him I am dating other people too and so is he. I don't like it. I don't like hearing about the women that he may or may not go out with because I am falling for him. I don't know if its because I feel that I need someone or if its because I really am falling for him. He gives me things that Brian never could and I love that about him. I am just mad at myself that I have let myself get this attached to someone because one of us is going to get hurt and I am pretty sure that that someone will be me. I am already hurting. I want him and I think that he feels the same about me but he isn't allowing himself to get too attached. I don't know what to do. I cant just dismiss these feelings and move on from him. I will continue to see other people but I don't know anyone that can give me what he can.

I hurt a lot most of the time. I have no money and I am currently living in my dads house. I feel like my life has been put on hold. I hate this feeling. I used to have a plan. I used to know what I was doing. Now I have no clue. I have no motivation to finish school or start a career. I just don't know what to do any more.

What to do what to do?

Lost

Brian and I have now decided to become separated. I really don't know what this means yet. I don't know how to feel about this either. I know that it will be hard for both of us but the distance that we have literally between us should help some. I feel lost inside. I feel like there is no one out there who knows what I am going through. I cant talk to any of my friends about the separation or what he has done because of the judgement that both he and I would face. I don't want my loved ones to know. He is a good man who has made some very poor choices and now has to face to consequences.

I need him to know how much he has hurt me and everyone around him. I am scared to have children with him. I never thought that Brian could potently prey after our own children. Having children is something that is really important to me and I need to figure out if there is any possibility that he might get better and be able to have our children.

My whole family is pushing me to divorce him. I don't know what to do or who to turn to for help. He has been banished from the family, never to visit, never to talk, never to see them. Its really hard to think that there will never be a family portrait with him in it. There will never be Christmas at my dads. There will be no birthday celebrations with him there. How do I pull through this? How do I place enough attention on Brian who did this to himself and my family who has done nothing?

I don't know what to do....