Am I IN love?

I have been doing a lot of thinking over the last few days. I don't know if I will be able to stay with Brian. I don't know if this is an initial reaction or if this will be forever but my love for him is fading. I still love him but I am not IN love with him.

I don't think that he is taking this separation seriously. He keeps telling me that it is JUST a break. I view this separation to be far more than a break.

The other day we got in a fight about everything. He told his whole family about the separation and now there is ever more judgement coming my way. His whole family has been commenting on my myspace about how they don't see a ring on my finger. They are also commenting about me being in pictures with guys. I don't understand how they are going to assume that these guys are my lovers now. I am in a foreign country making friends and when we go out in a group (a mix of both guys and girls) why it is not ok to take pictures with people of either sex without assumptions. I don't understand why it is any ones business either. I took my ring off because I am separated from my husband and for them to bring attention to that somewhere where it can be seen by all my friends and family is not ok by me.

Every single one of Brian's family feels that the separation is not needed and shouldn't have happened. My side of the family is happy that I made this decision. It seems that no matter what I do, someone will be unhappy(Not that I am aiming for their happiness in this situation).

I just hate that he is the one that has done something yet I get the judgement.

Figuring out Brian

I have been trying to figure out Brian's behavior patterns for years. Whenever he does something that he knows is wrong, he will do whatever it is in a way that he will get caught doing it.

For instance, last year I found out that he liked my best friend. Brian is the one who made himself known. We had all been hanging out and I had to stay at home to finish up some of my homework so he took Amanda home. While in the car he tried to hold her hand. She refused and came over to my house the next day to talk about the situation. She said that he had been texting her a lot lately and that she didn't think anything of it because they were good friends. Then she told me about the grabbing for her hand that Brian had attempted and that she thought that this was wrong. I mean of course it was wrong. As I thought about it, one of Brian's fantasies was to see me with another woman. After talking to him about the situation, he admitted that she was the woman he wanted me to be with. This instance was the first time that divorce was ever talked about.

The way that Brian went about this current instance doesn't surprise me. I think that he wanted to be caught. He would never, EVER ask for help. This is by no way or form an excuse for what he has done. I would never want anyone to think that I think what he has done is alright in my book. I think that he has committed a disgusting act and I hope that he has to pay for what he has done.

I don't know if I have mentioned this, but Brian also has a porn addiction. He has been dealing with this addiction since he was ten.Now there is a difference in being addicted to porn and just watching porn. Lets just say that he has ruined three computers because the viruses have made it to the hard drive.

There is also a history of sexual abuse as a child. Brian was raped by his brother for years and no one believed him including his mother. This has caused him a lot of hardship in the past. In fact the porn addiction started with the rapes. His brother later apologized for what he had done but Brian's mother refuses to believe that it was happening in her house. This also could have triggered the pedophilia tendencies that Brian is now experiencing.

I don't know. These are all just thoughts.

Step Mother

Things are getting harder and harder by the day. I feel that I could never stop loving him and I don't know if I want to stop. I am getting so much pressure from my family to leave him. My soon to be step mother Vicky stated in and email to me that if I stay with him that "it is a very clear indicator of your values and your state of mental and emotional health". How is someone that I don't know very well going to tell me what my values and emotional state are because I choose to stay with my husband.

This lady has brought nothing but hell to our family and is trying to continue this hell into my current marriage.

The story behind Vicky goes as follows.

My mother died two years ago from an "accidental overdose" of Oxycontin. Turns out she was addicted to the drug and had been for many years. She discovered that if she chewed the medicine that it gave a heroin like effect. It also turns out that our doctor had been over prescribing her medicine for years. So when my sisters found her on the floor after church one night, that's when it my life changed for the worst.

My dad became depressed and lonely, as any normal human being world after loosing their wife of 25 years. After only three months he began looking for someone. Our councilors told us that this was not healthy and he needed to take some more time for healing. He didn't like that idea so he found a new councilor. He went on all kinds of dating sites and started dating women half his age. He would tell me about girls that were 23 to 25. Now I am only 20 so they could be my sisters. Then he got involved with match.com and found Vicky. They "fell in love" and a few months later got engaged. Their engagement didn't last long though. Vicky is the kind of person that needs no one but herself.

Somehow they got over their differences and began to "fall in love" again. She is controlling and mean to my dad and his children. They are currently engaged again and living together as of recently. I don't like her. Its not that I don't want him to be happy. He has brought home some women that I absolutely loved and adored, but Vicky is no such thing.

So now this lady who I barely know is telling me that I NEED a divorce and NEED a councilor. I understand the importance of a councilor, don't get me wrong, but if I am going to be forced to see one, that will not go over well. I don't know what to do about this woman. She is not welcome in my life but I am being forced to live with the fact that my dad might spend the rest of his life with her.

Needless to say, I told Vicky to stop emailing me because she is stressing me out. I know everything that she is telling me but she insists on talking to me like I am ten. She also talks to me as if I am the one at fault. It must be my fault because I choose to marry a man who I KNEW would do this. Is this right?

Lost

Brian and I have now decided to become separated. I really don't know what this means yet. I don't know how to feel about this either. I know that it will be hard for both of us but the distance that we have literally between us should help some. I feel lost inside. I feel like there is no one out there who knows what I am going through. I cant talk to any of my friends about the separation or what he has done because of the judgement that both he and I would face. I don't want my loved ones to know. He is a good man who has made some very poor choices and now has to face to consequences.

I need him to know how much he has hurt me and everyone around him. I am scared to have children with him. I never thought that Brian could potently prey after our own children. Having children is something that is really important to me and I need to figure out if there is any possibility that he might get better and be able to have our children.

My whole family is pushing me to divorce him. I don't know what to do or who to turn to for help. He has been banished from the family, never to visit, never to talk, never to see them. Its really hard to think that there will never be a family portrait with him in it. There will never be Christmas at my dads. There will be no birthday celebrations with him there. How do I pull through this? How do I place enough attention on Brian who did this to himself and my family who has done nothing?

I don't know what to do....

Finding out

I found out that my husband liked children the day I got into a foreign country. I am currently going to be away from him for 3.5 months studying in another country. We both agreed that this would be good for my education. He gave me the call that day and said that he had something to tell me. He said that he had been sending sexual texts to thirteen year old girls. He told me that my dad had given him until that Friday to tell me and then he was going to tell me himself. He told me that he had asked Laura*, my soon to be step sister if she could keep a secret.

"Can you keep a secret" asked Brian*, my husband
"Yes" stated Laura
"I mean really keep a secret just between you and me" said Brian
"Yes" texts Laura
"How far would you go with me? Do you find me attractive?" asked Brian
"What do you mean?" texts Laura
"What didn't you understand?" said Brian

This apparently was not the first time this had occurred. Brian was going to watch the girls while my parents went out of state and he told the girls that they could "get drunk, watch porn, and play strip poker if they wanted to".

I also found out later that he had been discussing his sexual fantasies with Laura and even talked about a "woman's fluid orgasm" more than once. I also found out that every time I had left the room he had turned the conversation to sex.

I don't know how to feel about this or what to do.

*Names have been changed

Introductions

My name is Susie Q and I will be blogging about the troubles that my marriage has faced. My husband and I have been married for two years but we had been Jr. High sweet hearts. Nothing could separate us. We were always in love there were just some complications.

I just found out that my husband has been looking at children. Not only is this the first step to perversion, but the children that he had been trying to pursue were my 13 years old sister and my 13 year old soon to be step sister. I am devastated and shocked that this could be happening. I don't know what to do. I have only know about this for about two weeks. To make things worse I am out of the country so I had to hear all of this over the phone from my husband, my father, and my soon to be step mother.

I will be posting more information on the next post.