I don't know how to act or feel. I cant keep pretending that everything is ok. I cant do it anymore. I call him and we talk like nothing is different.
He has started invading my privacy now also. He has been demanding passwords for emails and personal items and he wants to know where I am every second of the day. I am loosing it. He joined facebook and added all my friends that I have made from my travel abroad experience. He is afraid that I am messing around behind his back. I have NEVER done anything behind his back and we are separated so there is not much that he could say about it anyway.
His family is involving themselves way too much in my business also and they are making him worried about our relationship. There is a picture on my facebook where I am leaning into a guy for a picture. His family is asking him all these questions like "you let her do that?" The guy in the picture is truly just my friend... Nothing there. And I'm not looking for anything right now.
Let me tell you that his family is SUPER Christian and they feel that women should not be friends with men unless there is a connection through the husband. I don't know if they know the true magnitude of what he has done. He says that he has told them everything but he is the master of deceit.
He did tell me that he started to watch porn the other night and felt bad and turned it off. I know that it has only been a month but I just want things to be better. I need them to be better.
I am having him up here within the next month so that I can talk to him face to face. I think that will be good for me. What do you think?
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9 comments:
In my incredibly humble opinion, I offer my thoughts on your question.
Were I in your shoes, which I am not, but were I, I would make an appt. with a therapist who specializes in addiction before you see Brian again. Tell the therapist everything that has happened. It might be easier to just print out all of your posts and present him or her with the story thus far. You have written well, and given a rather erudite narrative to the situation. Then ask for ideas on how to proceed. Maybe the therapist might ask to see you and Brian together when he comes to see you. The environment for that difficult discussion could be very safe for you to express all of your thoughts and feelings. You wouldn't be alone trying to be rational with a man who is feeling trapped by the circumstances and is becoming increasingly controlling and manipulative as addicts are wont to do.
I might also have him stay in a hotel or hostel. I don't think it would be wise to have him in your personal space at this time. You are separated and there is no need for you to offer him living quarters like nothing has changed. Everything has changed and HE is the one who changed it.
I don't know much about FaceBook, but is there a way to set up boundaries and make your page invite only? Rephrase: I know absolutely nothing about Facebook. Furthermore, just b/c he is demanding that you give him your passwords does not mean you have to give them to him. "Invading your privacy" is too polite a term for what he is doing.
Please, please, Susie, exercise some assertiveness (if you haven't been already) and build some brick walls around you and your space, TALL, THICK walls. He is no longer entitled to your life. His family is Definitely, Absolutely, Positively, no longer entitled to a vote on how you conduct your business. Being Separated from him means you are separated from his family. You are Separated because he seriously fucked up and endangered two minors and you need to figure out how you are going to go forward from this terrible and scary place he has created. He is using porn again. He feels bad? Boo-hoo. He is telling you this in order to manipulate you. He is being so unhealthy right now, it's scary. He is not taking responsibility for his actions, and his family is not encouraging him to do so.
And his family's religious practices are their own. Good for them that they have found a spiritual practice that works for them. It is not your practice, or at least not in the SUPER way, so you are not bound by the rules they have chosen for themselves. A little while ago, you told your soon-to-be stepmother that you did not want her contacting you b/c the communication was becoming toxic. Brilliant assertive boundary-setting self-care for you. See if you can make that work for you again.
Ok, I'm done. Except for some giant (((((HUGS))))) for you.
Hi, Susie.
Just checking in to see how you're doing.
Hope all is well, as well as can be.
Sending positive energy your way.
-Sophie
It seems to me that there's something that Brian and his family just don't understand: You're separated from him because he was making sexual advances toward THIRTEEN YEAR OLDS. How do they have any right to get up in your business and try to control what you do after hearing that sort of news? In my opinion, you could be going on a date with a different guy every night and they couldn't say jack shit about it.
Take your time to decide what to do about your marriage, Susie, and in the meantime, tell anyone who tries to push you into a decision to go to hell. You've been through enough already. Have fun while you're abroad. Post whatever you want on Facebook. And ignore anyone who tries to invade your privacy or keep you from any ounce of peace you can feel during this extremely difficult time.
I agree with the previous comments. If my husband did the things that you say yours did, I would not feel safe alone in his presence. I would think, "Who are you? And what else are you capable of doing that I never imagined"?
I have just now discovered your blog.
I am a sex addict, and here is my advice, for what it is worth:
Make an ultimatum. Period. Your husband absolutely has to see a therapist or start attending 12 step meetings of a sex addiction fellowship (SAA, SLAA, SCA, etc). Tell your husband that you love him and want to see him get better, which means he has to seek recovery. If he is unwilling to do so, make very specific consequences.
You don't escape childhood abuse without serious emotional/mental scars and issues. Your husband needs help, although he might not recognize it. Demand (for your sake) that he make some efforts to identify these issues and deal with them.
One more thing:
ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY do NOT give him your passwords to anything.
There is no reason for this. If you have not broken his trust, there is no need for you to give him access to your facebook profile.
The issue is not you.
The issue is his emotional health and childhood trauma that creates issues around sexual addiction.
That is my two cents, for what they are worth.
Ken is a wise dude.
Checking in again and sending warm thoughts filled with light.
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