I know that it has been a while but I feel I need to update this blog.
I am divorcing Brian. I couldn't live with what he has done. I just couldn't do it anymore. I need someone in my life that I can have children with and know that they are going to be safe.
Since I have been back in the states, it has been pretty interesting I guess you could say. We are both going our different ways and talking to new and different people. I find it to be not so full filling at the moment. I have been with Brian since I was 13 and now it feels like all those years have gone to be waisted. Now I feel like I have to make up for lost time. I hate the way that I feel inside. I know that I am no longer in love with him, I just don't know how to move on. I feel like I am in a horrible spot.
I am semi-seeing someone that I have no future with and it kills me. I know that we both like each other and all, but there are complications that keep us from being together. So along with dating him I am dating other people too and so is he. I don't like it. I don't like hearing about the women that he may or may not go out with because I am falling for him. I don't know if its because I feel that I need someone or if its because I really am falling for him. He gives me things that Brian never could and I love that about him. I am just mad at myself that I have let myself get this attached to someone because one of us is going to get hurt and I am pretty sure that that someone will be me. I am already hurting. I want him and I think that he feels the same about me but he isn't allowing himself to get too attached. I don't know what to do. I cant just dismiss these feelings and move on from him. I will continue to see other people but I don't know anyone that can give me what he can.
I hurt a lot most of the time. I have no money and I am currently living in my dads house. I feel like my life has been put on hold. I hate this feeling. I used to have a plan. I used to know what I was doing. Now I have no clue. I have no motivation to finish school or start a career. I just don't know what to do any more.
What to do what to do?
About Me
- Susie Q
- I am a wife that is struggling with problems in my marriage that involve my husband being an addict of sex.
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5 comments:
what does he give you that others can't? (the new guy.) btw, i find your blog fascinating; never seen one with this kind of subject matter! i'm sorry, in a sense, that it didn't work out with your husband, but in another sense, you shouldn't be with a jerk like him. you deserve better. i've been following your blog for a couple of days now and it's really interesting...keep it up.
Hi Susie Q!
I just want to tell you that this is the first time I write on a blog, I fell by mistake(well actually we all know there are no mistakes!) on your blog by typing on google pedophiles, sexual abuse... because I am also dealing something similar as you, but actually, I'm on the other side if I can say, you'll understand as you read. Please don't look at my writing, I'm french!
I'll start at the beginning. When I was 3 years old, my mom met a guy with whom she fell in love. My mom left my father, and my 2 brothers and I moved with her new boyfriend. My mom only found out 14 years later that he was actually a pedophile, but do I have to tell you that it was too late? My mom then remembered that when we had just moved, she was making breakfast, and I was sitting on his laps, and she had noticed he had a hard on... she asked him about it, and he just brushed it off by saying it's because it was in the morning. She remembered that 14 years later, because she had blocked it out. It's hard to put into words how it feels living in the same house with a man whom you know has a sexual deviation, and is attracted to you! And it's not as concrete as that, it's mostly subconscious, or just always knowing inside of me something is really wrong! He had a way of manipulating me and my brothers, as well as my mother. Even when my mother was around, I could always feel his eyes on me, in a weird way! He knew how far he could go for me not to tell my mother. When she would leave the house, he would make me take off my clothes and walk in front of the mirror while he was watching me, sitting on the floor with his legs bent towards him(I'm sure I don't have to state the reason of this position!). He would pretend it's for me to gain more confidence in myself, by looking in the mirror how beautiful I am.... I wanted to throw myself in his face. He would always walk in the bathroom while I was in my bath, he would make me go in his room for him to give me a massage on my legs while he was watching me... And the last time was when I was 17 years old, and he then tried to go all the way, that's when I told my mom, because then I was not living at home anymore, so I wasn't as scared of him anymore.
Maybe there were signs my mom could have seen earlier on, leave him and save us all this pain. But she didn't. I lived a childhood of pain, fear, sadness, humiliation, doubt,... Some had it harder than me, I know that, but the fact is, this jerk was a pedophile, and he got away with watching me during all my childhood and puberty, the time where you don't even want your own mother watching you naked!
The reason why I'm writing this is because, unlike the comment right before mine where the girl says your blog is really "interesting", well, I'm sorry Leyla, but I don't think she's trying to be "interesting", and Susie, correct me if I am wrong. I see that you are really looking for answers, because this must be really hard to deal with, and come to the realization that the man you married, loved, shared your life, .. has a sexual deviation. And I think it's great that you're looking for help with others experience, because this is often the best way to learn I think, on how to cope with difficult life situations. And I'm writing you because I hope you stick to your guns, and don't come back with this guy!!!!!! In my case, this pedophile was also very manipulative, and knew what to tell my mom all the time. And even at the end when my mom found out and she confronted him, first of all, he confessed everything, he admitted to everything, and then he played the pity card for her to take him back!!
Even if he goes in therapy, I'm telling you, I would never look back, this is too deep of a problem, I don't think it ever really goes away, and you shouldn't have to deal with that, and most of all, I'm writing this comment for your future children! I wish my mom would have done what you're doing right now what you are now doing when I was 3 years old as soon as she saw a sign of sexual deviation. And she didn't.
Those people with sexual deviation are people who really suffer themselves, as you said, he was abused as a child. But, as sad as it is to say, they also ruin the lives of others. Nobody should make you feel bad about your decision of leaving this man, don't listen to his family!! Because you're the important one, and one day, you're going to have children with a great great man, look back, and how happy you'll be for making this decision, how hard it may be right now!
Good luck with everything! You are not alone, you have people around you who love you, and you have great people responding to your blog with great experience and who really seem to care!
Hope you meet someone great and be happy!!
Maybe "fascinating" (i.e., interesting) was a wrong choice of words, but I was just trying to express another aspect of the blog that didn't have to do with the unbearable sadness of being married to a pedophile. I wanted to encourage her in her writing, that's all.
I see that it has been a long time since you stopped posting here, but I just wanted to reach out and send words of support. As a woman who was abused by a pedophile for most of my childhood, and felt that there was no one to protect her, I admire your courage to move on. As a sex addict myself (most of us who are molested go that route), I know that your ex husband lives in his own hell. I pray for peace in both your hearts and for success in your life here forward.
My situation was hopeless me and my husband was on the verge of divorce. I was in a awful state and felt that I was not able to cope with life any longer. I found out about this Dr Lawrence and tried him. Well, he did return and now we are doing well again, more than ever before. Thank you so much drlawrencespelltemple@gmail. com Thanks and remain Bless
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