Moving on

I know that it has been a while but I feel I need to update this blog.

I am divorcing Brian. I couldn't live with what he has done. I just couldn't do it anymore. I need someone in my life that I can have children with and know that they are going to be safe.

Since I have been back in the states, it has been pretty interesting I guess you could say. We are both going our different ways and talking to new and different people. I find it to be not so full filling at the moment. I have been with Brian since I was 13 and now it feels like all those years have gone to be waisted. Now I feel like I have to make up for lost time. I hate the way that I feel inside. I know that I am no longer in love with him, I just don't know how to move on. I feel like I am in a horrible spot.

I am semi-seeing someone that I have no future with and it kills me. I know that we both like each other and all, but there are complications that keep us from being together. So along with dating him I am dating other people too and so is he. I don't like it. I don't like hearing about the women that he may or may not go out with because I am falling for him. I don't know if its because I feel that I need someone or if its because I really am falling for him. He gives me things that Brian never could and I love that about him. I am just mad at myself that I have let myself get this attached to someone because one of us is going to get hurt and I am pretty sure that that someone will be me. I am already hurting. I want him and I think that he feels the same about me but he isn't allowing himself to get too attached. I don't know what to do. I cant just dismiss these feelings and move on from him. I will continue to see other people but I don't know anyone that can give me what he can.

I hurt a lot most of the time. I have no money and I am currently living in my dads house. I feel like my life has been put on hold. I hate this feeling. I used to have a plan. I used to know what I was doing. Now I have no clue. I have no motivation to finish school or start a career. I just don't know what to do any more.

What to do what to do?